You crucify every word that I say

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 02:21:06 GMT

001. spell your name backwards: yesdinl

002. the story behind your name: who knows the sperm donor picked it out

003. how old are you?: 18

004. where do you live?: toms river

005. five words to describe you:
shy
gross
obnoxious
fun
anti social

006. wallet: um idk dont have one, everything just floats in my purse

007. hairbrush: purple

008. jewelry worn daily: earrings

009. pillow cover: blue

010. coffee cup: anyone i pick i like the tequila rose one tho, its big

011. shoes: flowered converse lol

012. colonge/perfume: victoria secrets

013. cd in stereo right now: frou frou

015. what are you wearing right now: oldnavy shirt red zip up and jeans

016. hair: long boring and brown

017. in my head: i have a stomach ache

018. wishing: i could be skinny

019. after writing this: go to bed maybe

020. talking to: michelle

021. eating: nothing

022. cosmetics: eyeliner, and mascara

024. something youre looking forward to in the upcoming month: money, car fixed, shows

025. last thing you ate: tried to eat a salad

026. like candies?: eh

027. like incense?: depends

028. believe in love?: sometimes, it doesn't tend to be in my favor <-- definitely

029. believe in soul mates?: no

030. believe in love at first sight?: no

031. believe in forgiveness?: yeah

032. if you could have any animal for a pet: kitty

033. what are 3 cities you wouldn’t mind relocating to?: london, uh uh and any city out of nj preferably out of the US

034. whats something you wish you could understand better? why my life sucks..

035. anyone that you miss that you haven't seen in a while? not really, just my friends

in the last 24 hours --

036. cried?: yes

038. gotten sick? eh

039. sang: yes

040. eaten: semi

041. been kissed: no

042. felt stupid: definitely

043. wanted to tell someone you love them: no

044. met some one new?: yep

045. moved on: nope

046. talked to an ex?: no

047. missed an ex?: no

048. talked to someone you have a crush on?: yeah haha

049. had a serious talk?: idk kinda.

050. hugged some one?: my mom

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 16:35:04 GMT

everything is so fucking hectic lately. everyones rambling about prom and wanting money when im probably not even going. maybe ill man up and go by myself, but id feel horribly stupid doing that. i stayed at my sisters this weekend and didnt work once. ill probably work for 56 hours this week. i hate that. you cant even take a few days off without having to make up for it afterwards. all i know is that im missing one tree hill with michelynne. =/ last nite i went to the java joint with Moe and Janine. We saw other kids and then we had to leave really early because they both sposively had to be home at 9. not having a license sucks i cant do what i want, i have to be dragged around with everyone else. but i guess i shouldnt fuss because im lucky they even drive me. ugh i do not want to go to work, i know ill be stuck up on register.

courts tomorrow. im gonna try really hard not to cry because i know they dont like that. im not even upset about what happened because im over it. its been over a month. im just scared to go in the court room i guess. i really wish i didnt go to my school. probably 10 people i dont even know came up to me and asked me what happened. I HATE PEOPLE WITH BIG MOUTHS WHO CREATE PROBLEMS. get a life of your own and stop dwelling on everyone elses.

i need new friends. im so sick and tired of hanging around with the same people. i mean dont get my wrong, i love my 3 friends to death. but everyone else is always acting. even between the three of us theres drama. i think kathys the only one who i can be straight to and shell be straight with me.

attn: michelle marks, you lousy asshole. call me please 732 286 6335. or die. im in dire need of your love and i cant sit home this weekend or ill go nuts. i need some sXe surroundings. haha.

someone leave me flowers on my car...oh wait i dont have one. but you can put them on my bike.

PS- I really really really need to vent about something. TALK TO ME

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 01:11:49 GMT

some people just cant leave you alone after they attack you.
friends only k thanks.

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 04:29:00 GMT

i slept over kristins the other night with michelle. i havent seen her in a longgg time. haha and yeah i met her new fancy and hes a nice kid and invited us all over for new years, which i think we will be accepting. i worked today 3-11. and i caught some kid shoplifting, which now means since we are going to press charges that I HAVE TO GO TO COURRTTT. great im so scared and i dont want to talk to a judge. and my wlatarm boyfriend came in today and it turns out him and christine KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL. great haha. im so lameeeeeee. and no boys like me. oiii. so i can never make these things long enough. so yeah ok bye.

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 15:11:48 GMT

christmas comes but once a year, and now its gone. haha well it was pretty good i guess. idk and so far ive done nothing over this break except work and watch movies. oh well. so yeah now today im a bum and i have work til 9. then maybe ill come home and watch TV. again. then tomrorw and the next i have off and im DEFINITELY going out. so kath lets go.

so nye = janines = fun.

the end.

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:14:33 GMT

welllllllllllllllllllllll friday i babysat over night into saturday and went ice skating for the first time in 60 years. thenn i came home went shopping with my sister and then i got ready, picked up my jager and red bull and went out with christine and janine to bills party. it was fun and there was a good mix of people. and i got wasted. the end.

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 18:54:33 GMT

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

so my party was muy good...minus the hole in the wall and the inflammation of my brand new shoe!!
thanks fucker. so yeah schools been okayyy and mhm stuffff and idk it was my bday and i sat home all day and did nothing on monday. and i worked last nite til 11 and tonite i work til 8. and tomorrow i have to baby sit overnight, then take my sister tagging, then go shopping theeennn hang out with kathy then get wasted then sleep for 1 hr. then wake up then go to work at 7am then go shopping at the outlets again. and christmas is almost here!! and i hope nye is good cos i havent done anything good in the passed 2 years. ive been home sitting on the computer, missing the fucking new year.

fuckk fuckkkkk dfbgjkfdgnjfdgnjdkfgnjkfngkdfgn im so coldddd... oiiiiii

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 17:59:12 GMT

so this weekend sounds good. tonite my moms taking me out to dinner for my birthday. i think were going to applebees, i made a new purse too. and then when i get home im hanging out with kathy and christine and courtney and janine and we are all gonna do something and im gonna buy a new shirt for tomorrow nite. theennn we are all gonna party tomorrow hah. im having a bday party tomorrow and i cant wait. it should be good, and its a good mix of people. anddd all my friendsies are going. anddd yess cake and beer and dancing and karaoke. yesss. :o)

im excited as can beee. and my real bday is on monday and im going with courtney to get her tatoo and idk what im doing im gonna pierce my eyelids shut. hahaha no i wont.

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 22:13:51 GMT

im tired i just danced in my room with the lights out to the killers with my little sister, i know i know. im a nerd and a half. oh well cos its so fun. so today i watched oprah and did nothing!! yay! and its raining and i had off. anddd tomorrow i have work and the next and the next..and attention to the friends i dont see or talk to im having a birthday party haha on saturday night your invited and ill talk to you later, this includes humans like, Jacqi, kristin, bobby, michelle, susan, and so on.

mhm im special and ill be 18 yayyy.

so friday lets hang out too!!!

lets go see closer too.

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 23:38:08 GMT

i am so excited for christmas. even though i know i dont have anyone to share it with, even though i probably wont get as many gifts as ill be giving, even though christmas eve wont be the same without my grandpa or aunt and uncle, because now there all gone and not coming back. it wont be the same because ill be putting the presents under the tree instead of going to sleep and pretending i dont hear the drunk family down stairs fumbling around, it wont be the same because ill be working on christmas eve and day, it wont be the same because last year christmas break i ran away from home and lived with sarah for 4 days. i miss everything. everyone has there own life now, and im not really part of anyones. i sat home all break. but i guess its my fault cos i didnt talk to anyone or call janine back. janines the only one who called me<3. i miss sarah and i loved her note i got today. i was glad to see she was back<3 i hate my car.
i will be 18 soon and im having a party and i can only think of 5 people that i want to invite. i think that my mom gave me and my sisters and brother the curse of all curses. none of us will ever get married or be in love without going through so much shit. my sisters marriage almost came to an end. my brother has no luck with girls, i go on one date and get bigheaded about it and it crashes and i know no boys my age will ever have any kind of interest in me unless i lose about 50 pounds, no exaggeration there. my little sister is so into everything she does that she doesnt have time to like boys, and my other older sister has boys but gets fucked over for the one she really likes.

i really wish id get a love note. i watched love actually the other day and i was so jealous and i cried. a 10 year old boy was in love and he chased this girl all the way to the air port. fucking british. i want to go on vacation in february..maybe london just to listen to the people talk.

i am so fed up with miss houlihan...i DONT KNOW WHAT MY FUCKING SELF PORTRAIT IS. I DONT KNOW WHY I PAINTED IT LIKE THAT OR WHY IM MAKING THAT DUMB FISH FACE, I JUST AM OK? MY FAVORITE COLOR IS RED!! DONT FUCKING TELL ME ITS GREEN. WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME ITS GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN. ugh. im so fucking tired of everything

i love my history teacher, hes such a wimp.

and thats all the endddddddd.

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 02:25:55 GMT

im bored as hell and my hairs wet. i have no friends. and i dont feel good.
i havent felt right this whole week. i need beer. haha and my birthday is in like 17 dayssss and ill be 18..haha im so lame.

so idk. thanksgivings over and its on to christmas. nothing is the same this year.

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 20:51:12 GMT

so the boy mentioned in the last few entries, was made up i swear.

idk i feel like total shit and the only good thing going this week is that i saw the polar express and i loved it so much.

i miss sarah

i wanna see spanglish and closer real bad. and i cant wait.

i cant wait til i can sit home and watch 546 movies.
thanksgiving is thursday. woop dee do. and i have work all week and i fucking am so tired. i slept for 3 hrs today and now i have to go to fucking work til 8. and i dont want to at all i need a drink my throat is killing..

jacqi im sorry about your grandma<3 but soon we will be bff and hang out everyday. <33

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 05:19:28 GMT

i hate it because i tell myself over and over again, dont get attached, because u dont know whats gonna happen. but over and over i find myself attached. and i dont even know what i did wrong..? nothing.? maybe he just doesnt want to look desperate, but then take me out and then leave me hanging?? so its been one week. and i feel like i had a whole history with this kid, but it was a mere two dates. i guess it wouldnt be the same if he didnt kiss me. i guess that tied it all together because i felt good and maybe even thought this was it. maybe im only kidding myself. he was probably put up to asking me out and kissing me, it was probably a joke just like shes all that. i would be an easy target. especially after the 9 months ive seen you probably every other day and knowing what you always want and idk. i am a loser. i try and try so hard, but when someone shows interest someway some how i manage to trash it, even if its not on purpose. people reach out to me and i fucking curl up and get scared, cos i dont know how to deal with that shit, im not very expierianced. but this one time...i friggan took it like a man i went out with him and i tried my best to impress but i guess it didnt work...im hoping ill get a call. but im not counting on it.

tonite i called out of work and went to a show with sarah and kathy at big ed's. it was kind of fun. blah blah and yeah then we went to applebees and it was okay blah blah. i havent hung out with them in so long im glad we did. we still definitely act like the assholes we were back in the day. i miss the days when we were inseperable. i miss having best friends and always having something to do. i barely go out anymore and i guess its my fault cos i never call anyone. tonite i painted a picture for my brother i hope he likes it. so yeah tomrorow im going shopping i think with my mom. idk ha and sit around the phone hoping for it to ring. hahahahah lammeee - 0

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 01:08:17 GMT

i hate this i hate this i hate this I HATE THIS! i do this every fucking time, EVERY TIME! i get so excited over stupid shit and i ruin it. fucking sucks. ugh. im in a bad mood and i got my period at work and a B+ in art. GREAT. bye

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 20:57:42 GMT

i feel like i dont need to be jealous of anyone any more. things are finally going awesome. this week im babysitting for valerie tuesday and friday nite, but its okay cos i need to buy xmas gifts. and yeah mhm i dont think ive thought one bad thought in the last five days. and im beginning to loveee lifee. lol i cant wait til im 18.

Sat, 13 Nov 2004 18:20:05 GMT

mm i went on my second date with christopher. and i loved every moment of it. we went to see saw. it was an awesome movie and thenn we went to his uncles house and watched bruce almighty and son in law and ate dinner and cuddled and i think im in love. and i am happpyyy........and i love to singgg. <3 hahahaha and he kissseedd me and i was excited.

i love katherine bredijk k thanks bye

jesusss

Wed, 10 Nov 2004 19:19:43 GMT

so last nite was way random. i went to work blah blahhh waiting for my boyfriends to arrive. hahaha and all that shit. and so someone handed me an application so i read it, cos im so nosy when it comes to new employees. and the love of my life ahha comes ot the counter and was like ohh theyre gonna take ur job and i was like noo and then we got on the subject of ages and here i am thinking hes maybeeee 27 ?? hahah hes friggan 19 and hes gonna be 20 in five days..and i was so shocked he looks a lot older. so blah i was talking to him and he like wouldnt go away and i was like uh can i help you? and hes like yeah im trying to get to know you better lindsey and he told me his name and i told him i cheated i already knew it. and we were talking and he asked me what time i got off and if it would be ok if he took me out to dinner and yea so we went to fridays. and isaw lara and tyler. haha and yeah i was so nervous the whole time. cos a boy never took me on a date and i had nothing to say and i didnt even want to eat. and yeah so he told me hed come in today and im not gonna be mad if he doesnt. haha so yehahhhhhgbngkjfbfdjkhgbfghgfhgfh

to those who know, you will see immediate change

Tue, 09 Nov 2004 18:42:06 GMT

everythings been okay lately. but im getting fed up wth a lot of things. likeeeeee myself. and i think imm gonna finally take control of it and hopefully it will come out better. yesterday i went to freehold with sarah shayna and brianna and cait and i got two shirts and some make up. it was fun. and yeshh then today was school blah blah. schools like a joke. i go to school for 5 periods and i only have 2 real classes that i have to barely worry about. idk maybe things will get harder. so i have work today tomorrow and thursday but then i have fri and sat off. so hopefully ill be on my way to a better me, with the help of my beloved friend and ill feel a little better about myself. so yes...im freezing cold. its so cold outside and i love it. every minute of it. i love how it feels on my face and when my nose gets cold and my hands get frozen and i put gloves on. yiipp. so ok bye

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 05:11:58 GMT

so tonite turned out to be definitely awesome. i went to ac moore with shayna her mike and his nick. and the mall and i ordered dangerous lives for myself. it will be here in a week to ten days. and then blah blah i got paint charcoal and stickers at ac. and then i went home and i was so bored and i ate mac and cheese and talked to susan. and we decided we wouldnt stand for staying home so we decided to meet at the mall. so we did and i saw ali!!!! and justin her love and my myspace friend, and i love them both and her friend carlee<333. they are so fuuunnn. and we all walked around and it was fab. and we saw robbbb at his job! and i saw 90437538697 ppl i knew. and i saw alecia and michelle andmike. and me susan and alecia met this kid jacen who was working at HEY WE HAVE YOUR NAME or something by libby lu. and yeahhh fun we made him look up all these weird names. and then we were gonna go somewhere with ali and her loves but they ended up not going i guess. so we went and stalked and then went to susans and waited for robberrtt met. hahahah and we talked it was fun. im glad i hung out with different people cos it was very interesting. and i have new friends i am so excited. yesshh omg. and then susan dropped rob off and we listened to the BEST cd everrrrrrr and then i got dropped off at my car and these men were dancing next to us. it was weird. hahahaa and a nite i thot would be crappy ended up so aawesomeee. i would like to hang out with susan ali rob and justin again please. <333333

Excuse my friend. He thinks he wants to melt two elephants.

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 19:14:42 GMT

i swear November is PMS month. everyone has something up their ass or is it just me. whatever. last nite i was sposed to go out with sarah but she never called me. so i sat home and did nothing. i made pictures with the boys from dangerous lives.
i have gay work today and ill probably just stay home after. some fucking vacation this is. this always seems to be the time of year when everything is just so blah. oh well ill get through it. im gonna buy a new coat soon and a camera. and canvas and paint and become wrapped up in myself. and i will be my only friend. haha oh well i need to start my portfolio anyway. so yep

i need new friends anybody.

i wanna watch degrassi.

i just almost got into my first car accident isnt that just cool.

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 20:52:25 GMT

saturday i went to the parade with janine and maureen and we met sarah christine kathy and steve there. and then we went illegal and then we left and went to robs party. it was fun and we slept over and everyone had their fun and did their own things. and i passed out on the stairs. ahaha im such a bum. and yeah then the next day i went to lacey with shayna and sarah and we went to this show/party type deal at this fucking mansion. it was fun there were so many people i didnt know there. and i saw bobby and jacqi and it was fun. and yes<3 im excited. i love this year so much.

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 21:05:19 GMT

i hate french people.
yesterday i went on a field trip to the metropalitan museum of art. and we were in the egyptian section and we saw some kids from PARIS, france. so i sang that marmalade song you know the one that says will you have seex with em tonite or whatever, to one of the boys. and he was like yeaaaa. and then the girls got pissed off and started talking mad shit in french and i hate them. so when we all walked away about 45 of them stared at us. the boys waved the girls gave us dirty looks so i told them to suck itand i gave the finger. i wonder if american hand gestures are the same for them. i hope so.

and we met like 8 british boys. and they were so cute<3 and i love them i love london.

and yeah so last nite i went to kathys halloween party and i went to bed at 12 and woke up at 12. went to wendys and then came home went back to bed at 2 and woke up at 4. i had 14 hrs of sleep in the passed day. and i havent slept in, in so long. and ive worked for 8 straight days and went to school so i need a break. and i dont have work untilllllll idk when. <3 yessss

so tonite me and my gf janine are going to the parade maybe. so maybe ill see my friends maybe not. hahaa IM LAME. k bye

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 00:44:22 GMT

i found the perfect boyfriend...
hes blond, he has blue eyes..perfect teeth, hes 26, married and has 2 kids.

isnt that great?
haha and yeah i like him and he comes into my job and doesnt ever talk to anyone but me. and i always get so nervous and dont know what to say. and sometimes i sound like a big asshole. but idc cos he has the cutest smile and i feel like my mouth drops and drool builds on the floor. and theeennn when he walks out i snap back my jaw and mop up the drool and remember that hes 26 AND MARRIED WITH CHILDREN.

and then theres chris. who is my other boyfriend to be and he is probably 27 and he is beautiful and has a gf but hey i mean whatever. i have no problem. and we always make fun of each other, and i didnt know his name for like ever until i read his license. ahahhaa. i am so weird

me and my older men. i wish boys my age liked me and not middle aged men with kids who are married.

so yeah. like me. just cos yeah.

so mcr and afs??? dec 20? WHAT?!!?!? WHOS GOING? ME!?? WHAT?!? OMG?!? ARE U KIDDING!?!? NO!?!?
im so gay

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 01:43:20 GMT

i have work until friday. i worked last nite and then i hung out with kathy christine and maureen and we went to the woods, but my sister and some ppl were there and yeah. it was okay. better then sitting home. then i went to bed. i worked this morning and realized i had a flat. i nice nail was in my tire so i got that fixed and rented some movies. yeah.

so i dont like you anymore? yeah nope. im bored with my life. i wish i was a boy and i think when i die in my next life ill be one. i cant wait. kieran culkin<3 i wish i could have grown up in like the 50s or 60s or 70s or something. everything was better back then.

so yeah? okay bye

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 00:41:12 GMT

i think whats going on between us is stupid and it should just stop.

i cant do this anymore.

no more food.